Field notebook 9/30/09 to 2/18/10 Transcription 3

Fat yes, lets buy me that, yes, over there. At the parents house for the first time. Call me first time online. Check her account first, yes, okay.

Kelly came to the bar, he was not feeling it, he was unwell and unsettled. I needed something, I don’t know what. But she likes me not you, no she likes you not me, I mean. But I come here and the words were good. Nice lights: neon, bar lights, florescent and black light. My stomach hurts but that is okay because this is party city.

Feel like wooden. Feel no words. Now mouths on corners, feel like liquid stomach bile. Full of stupidity.

Fat face with drink. Fake wood bar top neon great smell. We are all here doing drugs great. What is she thinking? Can there be evils and suffering in the world? Yes. but not here, or not physical pain, here is maybe suffering maybe horrific suffering. No persons taking your life. No real feeling of cold and hunger. Here in the west we take our own life with food and drugs and inactivity, we are psychotically bored and medicated to death. Can we compare the two? Is it worth comparing the two? I cannot do it, have never feared for my life, especially from an outside force. For me it has all been internal. Can I compare the two?

Hell presupposed that there is someone to suffer infinitely. Bring it on I will eventually deal with it.

Cold Hard Facts

· I am going to take it with me

· Kinetic hiding does not get you in trouble

· I have been here as long as the boys have arrived

· Trying to stay awake

· Cold glass doors don’t give birth

· My body is counting to ten along the blondes thighs

· Tight outside is the valley of long luck

· Lovely competition can’t get you into hell

· Passionate muses can’t help you do the dishes

· The audio and video are not in sync

· Little men in suits

· The company was not alert

· We were not part of it

I am that much better I am sorry I had to work with I said it teen age great mount Air-a-rat I hate scope of the line of thinking.

Not a bad piece so far .what is the message? I don’t know. What I need to do is connect with celebrities. We have had the past 3 worst presidents, yes I can incorporate that somehow.

Bubbles flowing. Mind racing drenched in sweat toes tingling. Its okay its just infinity. The questions is danger.

Profalatic plane over black and white out for tonight. My ciggy burns with extraterrestrial light. Man at the door enjoying the night. Silver and turquoise crystals down my throat cold tips, then a blast of warm air traffic noise leaving a circular rim of organic matter on my glass. Night time on the west coast. Black coated men stroll down to the underground , creaking steal jarring my mind. The spot is leaving a sound before I see it. Bells ringing their Mexican sound. Where are they going Juan, I don’t know Philip.

At first there is fear. What will happen when the door shuts behind him, will they come over? Can I easily scream?

Car line beeps under my head all night moon is high I can see it through the reflection.

Field notebook 9/30/09 to 2/18/10 Transcription 2

I want to be with them I don’t have the luxury of hating this life style but at the sametime I, unconsciously, can’t do it

They are cleaning. They want to get home. At this time of night no expensive customers. Blood on the sidewalk to keep the illusion.

Boy in suit talks to all the ladies. Boy in suit what does he want?

I just “vaulted it” and walked in to it. where are we. High. Nice to meet you. What is the whole setup here. Don’t talk to me. MADDDDD! Kegs, I don’t want it. fuck you they are the worst . you suck. No stairs. (lustily)

Fountains. Late night, nights. No beers on tap. Whatever. no, one of those beers. Miller? No David fountains are off. Cameras caught me as soon as I stepped on the quad. Great okay. I just need more I don’t know why I just want to let go. Why? One more? couple men in a white suit. Over the top. They gave a look like they wanted more ,then they looked depressed. San Fran tomorrow! 6 people got shot, that’s all.

Out with the glasses. Dishwasher smell. Clean out the clean glasses and clean them again. She wants to just get home to her kids. Three fist a blood mary and two beers, just like on the big screen TV. Not just “I go do stuff”.

Cultural reference: we got 2 changed names, what is your Eagle up to? Slap your crap. Battle cry. Fellow friend, I don’t like you, I have your kitten.

I am in the mafia. Football all the shit going here and there in 2 caravans for 15 bucks. Men with hollow eyes and jowls don’t last.

Cameras watching me teak wood tables under glass looked locked up so no Mexicans can sit there.

COURTESY Courtesy boxwood smell water (blood) dripping down the concrete steps

Black cigs smoke, all in a haze of Impuritance.

Granite walls wax floors put up signs, double screen computers.

California institute cameras are on me all the time. Shadows of dead flowers. voices bugged. Bus going home to work again tomorrow. University Circle we want more of the blood, on the fake seats. Gored concrete, throw your bottle caps in the tar.

Warf is dirty, water was kinda cute. I am soft spoken. Wartime waters looks like black oil. Just let the ocean be. The ocean – another world. The ocean blows my mind. Another world fundamentally different than my life above the sea.

Loko Primo me. Kalientie Kail. Silver wrapper waiting on a call from an earth bound mind.

KaKay ah yes into the… what are the “other worlds”? when one looks at something with the eye of intelligence one is just smoke stinging my eye.

Surrounded by paper napkins ,okay ,work on the car, cut the grass, clean the gum on the side of the side walk with high pressure heated water. It would be very pleasing to watch the gum peal back and fly away . got to get ready to go, but okay I’ll just spit my gum out anywhere okay now why don’t we put up the umbrella and wipe our face with a napkin. Not there is a reflection on the puddle, how depressing.

HAPPINESS IS:

• Dirty puddle filled with ciggy butts
• A loose bolt in my back
• Tar on the side walk encasing small bent bottlecaps
• Ash on my foot that I track onto a nice corporate office
• A number of unusual vehicles covered in spider webs
• Movies I want to watch to escape life with a cup of coffee then I lose interest in the movie and want to do something but I don’t want to do anything
• Opening doors with people coming out and going somewhere else.
• White pure silica inhaled through the nose
• A cool breeze that reminds me that there is a atmosphere
• Unfed plants let out to live
• What is it about all the aliens wondering around eating truths
• Scraping the last pieces of food from a plastic container
• Beer imported from Mexico
• Rings founded on lost generations
• Orange brown dots painted on loose tables made grocery bags
• A patterned infant on the crying concrete ground.
• Overcharged spit stains left on my lower face
• Half hidden hoodies on the crank-operators realistic paintings.
• Alternating drugs taken I continue to eat shellfish
• Perforated concrete stays

Outside waiting for it to hit, hit it has to hit. Drawing lights from internal. Window across the street is out that is okay man smoking watches me, he is thinking differently than me. Is that a question?

Look at the world as I would draw in through a pen and paper. Like looking at the world as I would photograph it.

The big one. Want some chips yes. Well it si not always as it seems. What was it about to night. I don’t know over hearing music man next to me what is this playing what will happen when all this is rotten away some nights are not great for anything but the key is to keep writing, especially on those bad nights.