FNB 10510-31910 Selections: Broken Through

Cut the wires with my Russian knife. Broke through. My hands are scraped. My back is dripping. Smooth back hair and put my hat back on. I am in the place for now. Thank you RUSSIA. Wood chips and sodium lights this way. Cultivated shrubs in front of sodium parking garage.

It is toys, yes? Yes, but this is where I want to be, shake it off. This is my place. With the quite to the west and the drone of highway to my east. They are all closed off now, disconnected lights flying past my head-hanging-low-vision.

My lines led me to this cold same concrete ground. But now that I am here I see that there are two ways out 1)throught the hell I cut my way through back there, or 2) through the walkway I did not see.

My flame rolls into my own spit. My eyes are unable to focus on my own spit. I roll into the crevice and the acrid smoke stings my eyes.Rolling over my own liquid the flame goes out . Spots all around me the cold concrete on my ass again.

My blade is back through the wicked way. I get up slowly past the choked shrubs past the wall and through the tangled gate. There it was by the unused barrier. A man died there a few days ago, I heard the crash. It sounded like a snow plow on an empty street.

FNB 93009 - 21810 Selections: I need to finish today

I need to finish this today.

The cracking of time is not helping me. 

The nausea of time is following me. 

My organs are not working the way they used to. 

But they are hundreds around me waiting for him to come to me. 

A man walks by in his black coat, he knows. 

It is written all over the way he carries his phone.

I keep looking over my shoulder. 

Fermenting anger in my views.

 I am not filled whith what I think I should be. 

I spend my last coin on cigs. 

Here lost in middle USA waiting to arrive in CA. 

There is still death here just like everywhere else. 

Here it is just covered with redwoods and tide pools.

FNB 93009 - 21810 Selections: Lust Traveling

Lust traveling through the exhaled choked air.

Lime, Heineken, cologne, sparkled bar top reflecting light. 

Outstanding how my decisions force the next. 

Empty and perishing she has a nice hat on. 

Only 59.99 for endless DVD’s

FNB 93009 - 21810 Selections: I got what you need to the end of the over

I got what you need to the end of the over

keep it true okay
flashlights acolytes

but can’t see straight alright

I am better here
piece the next thought

what if she can’t be the god of us all
need this

now nothing
the sound is sick
down, that is the desert
better lights

Field notebook 9/30/09 to 2/18/10 Transcription 3

Fat yes, lets buy me that, yes, over there. At the parents house for the first time. Call me first time online. Check her account first, yes, okay.

Kelly came to the bar, he was not feeling it, he was unwell and unsettled. I needed something, I don’t know what. But she likes me not you, no she likes you not me, I mean. But I come here and the words were good. Nice lights: neon, bar lights, florescent and black light. My stomach hurts but that is okay because this is party city.

Feel like wooden. Feel no words. Now mouths on corners, feel like liquid stomach bile. Full of stupidity.

Fat face with drink. Fake wood bar top neon great smell. We are all here doing drugs great. What is she thinking? Can there be evils and suffering in the world? Yes. but not here, or not physical pain, here is maybe suffering maybe horrific suffering. No persons taking your life. No real feeling of cold and hunger. Here in the west we take our own life with food and drugs and inactivity, we are psychotically bored and medicated to death. Can we compare the two? Is it worth comparing the two? I cannot do it, have never feared for my life, especially from an outside force. For me it has all been internal. Can I compare the two?

Hell presupposed that there is someone to suffer infinitely. Bring it on I will eventually deal with it.

Cold Hard Facts

· I am going to take it with me

· Kinetic hiding does not get you in trouble

· I have been here as long as the boys have arrived

· Trying to stay awake

· Cold glass doors don’t give birth

· My body is counting to ten along the blondes thighs

· Tight outside is the valley of long luck

· Lovely competition can’t get you into hell

· Passionate muses can’t help you do the dishes

· The audio and video are not in sync

· Little men in suits

· The company was not alert

· We were not part of it

I am that much better I am sorry I had to work with I said it teen age great mount Air-a-rat I hate scope of the line of thinking.

Not a bad piece so far .what is the message? I don’t know. What I need to do is connect with celebrities. We have had the past 3 worst presidents, yes I can incorporate that somehow.

Bubbles flowing. Mind racing drenched in sweat toes tingling. Its okay its just infinity. The questions is danger.

Profalatic plane over black and white out for tonight. My ciggy burns with extraterrestrial light. Man at the door enjoying the night. Silver and turquoise crystals down my throat cold tips, then a blast of warm air traffic noise leaving a circular rim of organic matter on my glass. Night time on the west coast. Black coated men stroll down to the underground , creaking steal jarring my mind. The spot is leaving a sound before I see it. Bells ringing their Mexican sound. Where are they going Juan, I don’t know Philip.

At first there is fear. What will happen when the door shuts behind him, will they come over? Can I easily scream?

Car line beeps under my head all night moon is high I can see it through the reflection.

Field notebook 9/30/09 to 2/18/10 Transcription 2

I want to be with them I don’t have the luxury of hating this life style but at the sametime I, unconsciously, can’t do it

They are cleaning. They want to get home. At this time of night no expensive customers. Blood on the sidewalk to keep the illusion.

Boy in suit talks to all the ladies. Boy in suit what does he want?

I just “vaulted it” and walked in to it. where are we. High. Nice to meet you. What is the whole setup here. Don’t talk to me. MADDDDD! Kegs, I don’t want it. fuck you they are the worst . you suck. No stairs. (lustily)

Fountains. Late night, nights. No beers on tap. Whatever. no, one of those beers. Miller? No David fountains are off. Cameras caught me as soon as I stepped on the quad. Great okay. I just need more I don’t know why I just want to let go. Why? One more? couple men in a white suit. Over the top. They gave a look like they wanted more ,then they looked depressed. San Fran tomorrow! 6 people got shot, that’s all.

Out with the glasses. Dishwasher smell. Clean out the clean glasses and clean them again. She wants to just get home to her kids. Three fist a blood mary and two beers, just like on the big screen TV. Not just “I go do stuff”.

Cultural reference: we got 2 changed names, what is your Eagle up to? Slap your crap. Battle cry. Fellow friend, I don’t like you, I have your kitten.

I am in the mafia. Football all the shit going here and there in 2 caravans for 15 bucks. Men with hollow eyes and jowls don’t last.

Cameras watching me teak wood tables under glass looked locked up so no Mexicans can sit there.

COURTESY Courtesy boxwood smell water (blood) dripping down the concrete steps

Black cigs smoke, all in a haze of Impuritance.

Granite walls wax floors put up signs, double screen computers.

California institute cameras are on me all the time. Shadows of dead flowers. voices bugged. Bus going home to work again tomorrow. University Circle we want more of the blood, on the fake seats. Gored concrete, throw your bottle caps in the tar.

Warf is dirty, water was kinda cute. I am soft spoken. Wartime waters looks like black oil. Just let the ocean be. The ocean – another world. The ocean blows my mind. Another world fundamentally different than my life above the sea.

Loko Primo me. Kalientie Kail. Silver wrapper waiting on a call from an earth bound mind.

KaKay ah yes into the… what are the “other worlds”? when one looks at something with the eye of intelligence one is just smoke stinging my eye.

Surrounded by paper napkins ,okay ,work on the car, cut the grass, clean the gum on the side of the side walk with high pressure heated water. It would be very pleasing to watch the gum peal back and fly away . got to get ready to go, but okay I’ll just spit my gum out anywhere okay now why don’t we put up the umbrella and wipe our face with a napkin. Not there is a reflection on the puddle, how depressing.

HAPPINESS IS:

• Dirty puddle filled with ciggy butts
• A loose bolt in my back
• Tar on the side walk encasing small bent bottlecaps
• Ash on my foot that I track onto a nice corporate office
• A number of unusual vehicles covered in spider webs
• Movies I want to watch to escape life with a cup of coffee then I lose interest in the movie and want to do something but I don’t want to do anything
• Opening doors with people coming out and going somewhere else.
• White pure silica inhaled through the nose
• A cool breeze that reminds me that there is a atmosphere
• Unfed plants let out to live
• What is it about all the aliens wondering around eating truths
• Scraping the last pieces of food from a plastic container
• Beer imported from Mexico
• Rings founded on lost generations
• Orange brown dots painted on loose tables made grocery bags
• A patterned infant on the crying concrete ground.
• Overcharged spit stains left on my lower face
• Half hidden hoodies on the crank-operators realistic paintings.
• Alternating drugs taken I continue to eat shellfish
• Perforated concrete stays

Outside waiting for it to hit, hit it has to hit. Drawing lights from internal. Window across the street is out that is okay man smoking watches me, he is thinking differently than me. Is that a question?

Look at the world as I would draw in through a pen and paper. Like looking at the world as I would photograph it.

The big one. Want some chips yes. Well it si not always as it seems. What was it about to night. I don’t know over hearing music man next to me what is this playing what will happen when all this is rotten away some nights are not great for anything but the key is to keep writing, especially on those bad nights.

Field notebook 9/30/09 to 2/18/10 Transcription 1

Gender relationships are slowly traveling towards the golden bleach clotted valley. Turned out of the bee winged radio. Soft oak blunt foot treads are left on the ant hills next to the beach. Bar tunes filled with sprinkles. I see the bad smells coming out of this rotten pot. I see shadows in the room house I stopped for the night . the one I loved “forever” sleeps next to me , she does not love me.

Experiential cylinders can covet what is lying at their feet.

The girl sits alone watching TV most girls her age are out drinking liquor and being better than her. You think she would hate it but the middle of her mind is gone, her face and body have gone all fuzzy.

Funded, you know we got a couple. Hello nice to see you.

Death market right market sticker on my hanging body. Partner, not here two frigg’n months and the smell of it! Do we have time and enough food what was it I was supposed to repent for? Stern face until it is good enough, still too scared to let it go. Rocks on the wall you had seen as a teenage boy. Walks through the bar imagining myself as him walking through a fancy bar that my parents brought me to on out vacation.

Man wonders into house finds people in the house it is my mental mouse, my house.

Young looking grease on the table next to me. Man in the Hawaiian shirt is questionable, his death is always on his mind but when it comes, he will not be as happy as he expects to be.

At a restaurant a lot of prepared food get tossed: unfinished meals, wrong orders, burnt food, patron send backs, and kitchen scraps. All this food goes into trash bins strategically placed around the kitchen and dish washing area. There is a very unique smell associated with these trash bins. Not a rotten garbage smell ,but a sweet –savory-bleach smell, a sickly sweet smell cut with bleach and savory meats, there would be a stomach turning iron smell of blood on the days raw meat was delivered. That smell has lodged itself in my mind. I spent many long nights smelling that smell high on Mt. Dew and orange juice, sweating in the heat of the ovens and industrial dish washer.